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William Shakespeare (c. 1595)
This work is out of copyright in the UK, so we can publish it in full. The text is a copy of a published modern-spelling edition, not a retyping.
William Shakespeare · play · 24 scenes
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Enter Benvolio and Mercutio.
MERCUTIO Where the devil should this Romeo be? Came he not home tonight?
BENVOLIO Not to his father’s; I spoke with his man.
MERCUTIO Why, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline, torments him so that he will sure run mad.
BENVOLIO Tybalt, the kinsman to old Capulet, hath sent a letter to his father’s house.
MERCUTIO A challenge, on my life.
BENVOLIO Romeo will answer it.
MERCUTIO Any man that can write may answer a letter.
BENVOLIO Nay, he will answer the letter’s master, how he dares, being dared.
MERCUTIO Alas poor Romeo, he is already dead, stabbed with a white wench’s black eye; run through the ear with a love song, the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy’s butt-shaft. And is he a man to encounter Tybalt?
BENVOLIO Why, what is Tybalt?
MERCUTIO More than Prince of cats. O, he’s the courageous captain of compliments. He fights as you sing prick-song, keeps time, distance, and proportion. He rests his minim rest, one, two, and the third in your bosom: the very butcher of a silk button, a duellist, a duellist; a gentleman of the very first house, of the first and second cause. Ah, the immortal passado, the punto reverso, the hay.
BENVOLIO The what?
MERCUTIO The pox of such antic lisping, affecting phantasies; these new tuners of accent. By Jesu, a very good blade, a very tall man, a very good whore. Why, is not this a lamentable thing, grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with these strange flies, these fashion-mongers, these pardon-me’s, who stand so much on the new form that they cannot sit at ease on the old bench? O their bones, their bones!
Enter Romeo.
BENVOLIO Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo!
MERCUTIO Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers that Petrarch flowed in. Laura, to his lady, was but a kitchen wench,—marry, she had a better love to berhyme her: Dido a dowdy; Cleopatra a gypsy; Helen and Hero hildings and harlots; Thisbe a grey eye or so, but not to the purpose. Signior Romeo, bonjour! There’s a French salutation to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.
ROMEO Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
MERCUTIO The slip sir, the slip; can you not conceive?
ROMEO Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great, and in such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.
MERCUTIO That’s as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man to bow in the hams.
ROMEO Meaning, to curtsy.
MERCUTIO Thou hast most kindly hit it.
ROMEO A most courteous exposition.
MERCUTIO Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
ROMEO Pink for flower.
MERCUTIO Right.
ROMEO Why, then is my pump well flowered.
MERCUTIO Sure wit, follow me this jest now, till thou hast worn out thy pump, that when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may remain after the wearing, solely singular.
ROMEO O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness!
MERCUTIO Come between us, good Benvolio; my wits faint.
ROMEO Swits and spurs, swits and spurs; or I’ll cry a match.
MERCUTIO Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I am done. For thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits, than I am sure, I have in my whole five. Was I with you there for the goose?
ROMEO Thou wast never with me for anything, when thou wast not there for the goose.
MERCUTIO I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
ROMEO Nay, good goose, bite not.
MERCUTIO Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting, it is a most sharp sauce.
ROMEO And is it not then well served in to a sweet goose?
MERCUTIO O here’s a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow to an ell broad.
ROMEO I stretch it out for that word broad, which added to the goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.
MERCUTIO Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? Now art thou sociable, now art thou Romeo; now art thou what thou art, by art as well as by nature. For this drivelling love is like a great natural, that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a hole.
BENVOLIO Stop there, stop there.
MERCUTIO Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.
BENVOLIO Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.
MERCUTIO O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short, for I was come to the whole depth of my tale, and meant indeed to occupy the argument no longer.
Enter Nurse and Peter.
ROMEO Here’s goodly gear! A sail, a sail!
MERCUTIO Two, two; a shirt and a smock.
NURSE Peter!
PETER Anon.
NURSE My fan, Peter.
MERCUTIO Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan’s the fairer face.
NURSE God ye good morrow, gentlemen.
MERCUTIO God ye good-den, fair gentlewoman.
NURSE Is it good-den?
MERCUTIO ’Tis no less, I tell ye; for the bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon.
NURSE Out upon you! What a man are you?
ROMEO One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.
NURSE By my troth, it is well said; for himself to mar, quoth a? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the young Romeo?
ROMEO I can tell you: but young Romeo will be older when you have found him than he was when you sought him. I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.
NURSE You say well.
MERCUTIO Yea, is the worst well? Very well took, i’faith; wisely, wisely.
NURSE If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.
BENVOLIO She will endite him to some supper.
MERCUTIO A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!
ROMEO What hast thou found?
MERCUTIO No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is something stale and hoar ere it be spent. [_Sings._] An old hare hoar, And an old hare hoar, Is very good meat in Lent; But a hare that is hoar Is too much for a score When it hoars ere it be spent. Romeo, will you come to your father’s? We’ll to dinner thither.
ROMEO I will follow you.
MERCUTIO Farewell, ancient lady; farewell, lady, lady, lady.
[_Exeunt Mercutio and Benvolio._]
NURSE I pray you, sir, what saucy merchant was this that was so full of his ropery?
ROMEO A gentleman, Nurse, that loves to hear himself talk, and will speak more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.
NURSE And a speak anything against me, I’ll take him down, and a were lustier than he is, and twenty such Jacks. And if I cannot, I’ll find those that shall. Scurvy knave! I am none of his flirt-gills; I am none of his skains-mates.—And thou must stand by too and suffer every knave to use me at his pleasure!
PETER I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had, my weapon should quickly have been out. I warrant you, I dare draw as soon as another man, if I see occasion in a good quarrel, and the law on my side.
NURSE Now, afore God, I am so vexed that every part about me quivers. Scurvy knave. Pray you, sir, a word: and as I told you, my young lady bid me enquire you out; what she bade me say, I will keep to myself. But first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her in a fool’s paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind of behaviour, as they say; for the gentlewoman is young. And therefore, if you should deal double with her, truly it were an ill thing to be offered to any gentlewoman, and very weak dealing.
ROMEO. Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I protest unto thee,—
NURSE Good heart, and i’faith I will tell her as much. Lord, Lord, she will be a joyful woman.
ROMEO What wilt thou tell her, Nurse? Thou dost not mark me.
NURSE I will tell her, sir, that you do protest, which, as I take it, is a gentlemanlike offer.
ROMEO Bid her devise Some means to come to shrift this afternoon, And there she shall at Friar Lawrence’ cell Be shriv’d and married. Here is for thy pains.
NURSE No truly, sir; not a penny.
ROMEO Go to; I say you shall.
NURSE This afternoon, sir? Well, she shall be there.
ROMEO And stay, good Nurse, behind the abbey wall. Within this hour my man shall be with thee, And bring thee cords made like a tackled stair, Which to the high topgallant of my joy Must be my convoy in the secret night. Farewell, be trusty, and I’ll quit thy pains; Farewell; commend me to thy mistress.
NURSE Now God in heaven bless thee. Hark you, sir.
ROMEO What say’st thou, my dear Nurse?
NURSE Is your man secret? Did you ne’er hear say, Two may keep counsel, putting one away?
ROMEO I warrant thee my man’s as true as steel.
NURSE Well, sir, my mistress is the sweetest lady. Lord, Lord! When ’twas a little prating thing,—O, there is a nobleman in town, one Paris, that would fain lay knife aboard; but she, good soul, had as lief see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger her sometimes, and tell her that Paris is the properer man, but I’ll warrant you, when I say so, she looks as pale as any clout in the versal world. Doth not rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?
ROMEO Ay, Nurse; what of that? Both with an R.
NURSE Ah, mocker! That’s the dog’s name. R is for the—no, I know it begins with some other letter, and she hath the prettiest sententious of it, of you and rosemary, that it would do you good to hear it.
ROMEO Commend me to thy lady.
NURSE Ay, a thousand times. Peter!
[_Exit Romeo._]
PETER Anon.
NURSE Before and apace.
[_Exeunt._]
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Enter Capulet, Lady Capulet and Paris.
CAPULET Things have fallen out, sir, so unluckily That we have had no time to move our daughter. Look you, she lov’d her kinsman Tybalt dearly, And so did I. Well, we were born to die. ’Tis very late; she’ll not come down tonight. I promise you, but for your company, I would have been abed an hour ago.
PARIS These times of woe afford no tune to woo. Madam, good night. Commend me to your daughter.
LADY CAPULET I will, and know her mind early tomorrow; Tonight she’s mew’d up to her heaviness.
CAPULET Sir Paris, I will make a desperate tender Of my child’s love. I think she will be rul’d In all respects by me; nay more, I doubt it not. Wife, go you to her ere you go to bed, Acquaint her here of my son Paris’ love, And bid her, mark you me, on Wednesday next, But, soft, what day is this?
PARIS Monday, my lord.
CAPULET Monday! Ha, ha! Well, Wednesday is too soon, A Thursday let it be; a Thursday, tell her, She shall be married to this noble earl. Will you be ready? Do you like this haste? We’ll keep no great ado,—a friend or two, For, hark you, Tybalt being slain so late, It may be thought we held him carelessly, Being our kinsman, if we revel much. Therefore we’ll have some half a dozen friends, And there an end. But what say you to Thursday?
PARIS My lord, I would that Thursday were tomorrow.
CAPULET Well, get you gone. A Thursday be it then. Go you to Juliet ere you go to bed, Prepare her, wife, against this wedding day. Farewell, my lord.—Light to my chamber, ho! Afore me, it is so very very late that we May call it early by and by. Good night.
[_Exeunt._]
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Enter Lady Capulet and Nurse.
LADY CAPULET Hold, take these keys and fetch more spices, Nurse.
NURSE They call for dates and quinces in the pastry.
Enter Capulet.
CAPULET Come, stir, stir, stir! The second cock hath crow’d, The curfew bell hath rung, ’tis three o’clock. Look to the bak’d meats, good Angelica; Spare not for cost.
NURSE Go, you cot-quean, go, Get you to bed; faith, you’ll be sick tomorrow For this night’s watching.
CAPULET No, not a whit. What! I have watch’d ere now All night for lesser cause, and ne’er been sick.
LADY CAPULET Ay, you have been a mouse-hunt in your time; But I will watch you from such watching now.
[_Exeunt Lady Capulet and Nurse._]
CAPULET A jealous-hood, a jealous-hood!
Enter Servants, with spits, logs and baskets.
Now, fellow, what’s there?
FIRST SERVANT Things for the cook, sir; but I know not what.
CAPULET Make haste, make haste.
[_Exit First Servant._]
—Sirrah, fetch drier logs. Call Peter, he will show thee where they are.
SECOND SERVANT I have a head, sir, that will find out logs And never trouble Peter for the matter.
[_Exit._]
CAPULET Mass and well said; a merry whoreson, ha. Thou shalt be loggerhead.—Good faith, ’tis day. The County will be here with music straight, For so he said he would. I hear him near.
[_Play music._]
Nurse! Wife! What, ho! What, Nurse, I say!
Re-enter Nurse.
Go waken Juliet, go and trim her up. I’ll go and chat with Paris. Hie, make haste, Make haste; the bridegroom he is come already. Make haste I say.
[_Exeunt._]
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Enter Friar John.
FRIAR JOHN Holy Franciscan Friar! Brother, ho!
Enter Friar Lawrence.
FRIAR LAWRENCE This same should be the voice of Friar John. Welcome from Mantua. What says Romeo? Or, if his mind be writ, give me his letter.
FRIAR JOHN Going to find a barefoot brother out, One of our order, to associate me, Here in this city visiting the sick, And finding him, the searchers of the town, Suspecting that we both were in a house Where the infectious pestilence did reign, Seal’d up the doors, and would not let us forth, So that my speed to Mantua there was stay’d.
FRIAR LAWRENCE Who bare my letter then to Romeo?
FRIAR JOHN I could not send it,—here it is again,— Nor get a messenger to bring it thee, So fearful were they of infection.
FRIAR LAWRENCE Unhappy fortune! By my brotherhood, The letter was not nice, but full of charge, Of dear import, and the neglecting it May do much danger. Friar John, go hence, Get me an iron crow and bring it straight Unto my cell.
FRIAR JOHN Brother, I’ll go and bring it thee.
[_Exit._]
FRIAR LAWRENCE Now must I to the monument alone. Within this three hours will fair Juliet wake. She will beshrew me much that Romeo Hath had no notice of these accidents; But I will write again to Mantua, And keep her at my cell till Romeo come. Poor living corse, clos’d in a dead man’s tomb.
[_Exit._]
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End of play
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